F**k “Fake it til you make it”
One of the most vulnerable yet rewarding experiences this year for me: Together with Brooke (NearlyDanishDame), I recorded a Tale Dansk Med Mig (Speak Danish with me) episode for her Instagram account.
Being in front of a camera and speaking Danish are two things I struggle with. Yet, earlier this year I signed up to do exactly that: chat with Brooke Fossey, a content creator, in Danish for a series she calls ‘Tal Dansk Med Mig’ (Speak Danish With Me). What had gotten into me and should I get out of it, were two questions I asked myself regularly leading up to our recording. But I decided to push my comfort zone and it turned out to be one of the most rewarding experiences this year.
Being brave in Danish
Brooke Fossey goes by NearlyDanishDame on social media, where she shares her journey of learning Danish. She is excited and full of wonder about the language and her content is honest and vulnerable. I always found it inspirational, so before meeting Brooke in real life, I decided that I was going to be honest and vulnerable, too. That I wouldn’t ‘fake it til I made it’.
Before we started recording, I told her that I was nervous about being filmed in Danish. And you know what? She met me with kindness, patience and vulnerability herself. Sure, I could have faked it and pretended to be fine. But by sharing, I gave her the possibility to see the full me. It cleared an avenue of connection for us that would have stayed closed if we hadn’t had the courage to open up (to each other).
In our episode, we talked about just that: ‘at være modig’ (to be brave). A topic Brooke picked up on during our initial chat. I am fascinated by how she viewed our conversation and how she noticed the things that truly mattered. The in-between. The humanness. The part where the good stuff lies. Thank you, Brooke, for the wonderful opportunity to explore and for providing a space where I felt safe to push my comfort zone.
Younger me faking it
Younger me rarely felt confident, in control or outgoing, so I faked it.
Making this nervewracking filming an experience I now treasure was only possible because I was open and honest about how I felt. But I wasn’t always able to.
I leaned into the ‘fake it til you make it’-mindset a lot, especially during the early stages of my career. It helped me fake confidence. It helped me appear in control when I felt like I wasn’t. It helped me pretend to be outgoing.
(Sidenote: The amount of people who were surprised to hear that I am in fact an introvert! And while I wanted to be angry with them for not seeing the ‘true’ me, I couldn’t because I wasn’t honest with them in the first place. I was faking it.)
I think I did it because in my office environments those qualities were (or still are?) expected, consciously or subconsciously. To achieve approval and success, I felt like I needed to conform to a behaviour I saw modeled by the majority of people around me. And because younger me rarely felt confident, in control or outgoing, I faked it.
But it was inauthentic. It was not honest to those around me nor to me. Pretending also leads to resentment of whoever or whatever is making you do it – whether that’s yourself, your job or society.
A more authentic life
Eventually, I couldn’t ignore the resentment and inauthenticity anymore. I realised that I crave connection, real and deep.That I want to live an authentic and honest life. And that just is not happening when you „fake it til you make it“.
So, what has changed that I am now rejecting a mindset that served me well (enough) until recently? Maybe it is simply because I am getting older. Or because I have more life and work experience. Or because I know myself better and feel safer in who I am.
People call me brave for quitting a well-paid job and starting my own business. In our chat, Brooke said something similar. While I don’t think this was the only decision I made to lead a more authentic life, it certainly supports this quest in a major way. I get to choose how, when, and where I work. And most importantly, I decide who I collaborate with and spend my energy and time with.
It’s all about connection
Let people see the real you. Let us be the people where others feel safe to open up. Let us be those safe spaces.
I won’t lie. It is scary to open up. Sharing a (negative) emotion like nervousness with someone you have never met before is scary. But being vulnerable and opening up to Brooke gave her the opportunity to both meet me where I was and reciprocate. She held space for me, my capabilities and all of my big and small emotions that came along with doing something very much outside my comfort zone. The connection and experience we created out of this was simply gorgeous.
We have to be the change we want to see in the world. Especially in times of fake news, AI, machine learning, and egomaniac male politicians who lead with anger (because they rather start wars than go to therapy), we need more empathy, understanding, compassion and vulnerability. It starts within us.
Let people see the real you. Let us be the people where others feel safe to open up. Let us be those safe spaces.
“But being vulnerable and opening up to Brooke gave her the opportunity to both meet me where I was and reciprocate.”